Darkmark RPG Forum / Coltul Creativ / Writers' Hangout
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/ Remember the world that you lost

**Ema Snow** · 28 Jan 2013, 18:32

Permite-mi sa dau un sut gramaticii englezilor si sa ma ocup la nivel semantic :>
Unu la mana. Nu stiu cat de mult ti-am propus sa faci asta, dar imi place cum ai creat senzatia de vers lung in primele doua strofe (exceptand versurile care reiau titlul). Totusi, e intregant, deoarece, in ciuda asonantelor (aliteratii... hmm... nu chiar atat de multe si nici atat de evidente), daca stau sa o citesc cu voce tare suna foarte 'saltaret'. Dar cumva lin... Nu stiu cum sa-ti zic. Incearca sa-ti imaginezi miscarea unui hamac in bataia vantului puternic. E un fel de tap-tap, dar in acelasi timp e un vaaj-vaaj. Ok, asta a fost cel mai stupid lucru pe care l-am scris si nu stiu cat ai inteles din ce vroiam sa zic Sore.
Doi la mana. Mi se pare interesant cum reusesti sa conturezi atmosfera prin actiuni. Si asta nu am intalnit doar la poezie. De obicei, cineva foloseste culori sau sunete, ceva care sa 'traga' efectiv de imaginatia cititorului. Tu lasi partea asta cam cum vrea fiecare. Adica, s-ar putea ca cineva, citind poezia, sa-si creeze in minte imagini in care predomina culorile inchise, spalacite, mate (negru, cenusiu, poate putin verde inchis, albastru). Eu una vad culori foarte deschise, dar palide. In principal alb, argintiu si roz pal.
Trei la mana. Imi place finalul, felul in care ai subliniat ideea. Ea putea sa moara, dar nu a murit; moartea a luat-o. Da, in romana e cam acelasi pitic cu flori dupa ureche, dar se sesizeaza gradele de a putea. E cumva inversat rolul fetei din poezie fata de cel al lui Jakanis.
Spor la pana in continuare ><

**Freyja Maegan Guðríðr** · 30 Jan 2013, 19:52

Ronnie: yes, she might have died.
Well, e scrisa demult, cand nu stiam atata gramatica ca acum
@Ema: thanks :3 imi plac comentariile tale, desi eu in mare parte scriu pentru ca am ceva timp in cap versurile vin pur si simplu, fara sa ma gandesc la chestii asa profunde lol XD

Poke

I poke them in the face with my fingers,
I want to see them exclaim in surprise,
And only then we can runaway together,
Over the countries and over the oceans,
At the end of the planet, far away from here.
And all of this for their priceless faces.

I poke them in the face with my fingers,
I want to see them exclaim in suprise,
And only then we can set the world on fire,
Every building, every statue, everybody,
While we’re smiling, laughing, dancing.
And all of this for their priceless faces.

I poke them in the face with my fingers,
I want to see them exclaim in surprise,
And only then we can burst out in laughter,
We can watch their priceless figures,
When they hear we aren’t joking, we’re just
Mocking at them and at their society.
I poke them in the face with my fingers.

Blind

What would you do if you were blind?
How would you feel, where would you go?
If you had never seen the light,
Or the beloved eyes.
What would you do, how would you feel?
The sun would be a little spot
From the multitude of black dots.
Whad would you do, how would you feel?
You couldn’t defence yourself,
And nobody would be there.
What would you do, how would you feel?
Now that you imagined this,
Would you go to help the others?
To guide them in the dark,
To hold them in your arms?
Would you be their eyes,
Would you lead their steps?
Just imagine.
What would you do? How would you feel?

Darkmark RPG Forum / Coltul Creativ / Writers' Hangout 1 2 3 4 5 … 16 Next » //  / Remember the world that you lost

Darkmark RPG Forum / Coltul Creativ / Writers' Hangout
1 2 3 4 5 … 16 Next »
/ Remember the world that you lost