Darkmark RPG Forum / Coltul Creativ / Writers' Hangout
1 2 3 4 5 … 16 Next »
/ Remember the world that you lost

**Freyja Maegan Guðríðr** · 08 Jan 2013, 11:49

Excuse the mistakes a very short short story

There Was No God, No Devil, No Harmony

“The seabirds skimmed the placid sea and left the shore” (Daphne du Maurier)

The cold winds of December were blowing violently, as if God had sent His guardians to destroy the Great Empires of the Old World. Any insignificant inhabitant of this ignorant city was trying to find a shelter against these berserks monsters. Unfortunately, by the end of the day, they would have realized that any attempt of salvation was a completely failure. Because the monstrous winds were preceded by the damned fires of Hell, God and the Devil working together for the crash of these Empires.

Solely Jakanis was trying to figure out what mistakes made the gods angry, but she was just an old woman, not ready for these apocalyptic times. She was quietly weeping, fearful for the weather outside, fearful that this was her last day on Earth, fearful that her beloved children were going to crash into this Hell and fearful that her grandchildren were never going to see the dawn again. She was not able to stand all these things, so she put on her winter jacket and went outside.

The little town now being touched by the terrible things that were happening, Jakanis needed a calm place to rest. But there was nothing left for her in this disturbed world. Where could she go? For God’s sake, where could an old woman go in her last moments of life? And then, the answer came to her so quickly, as a thunder breaks the silence of the sky. The sea, of course! The shore was a calmer place now, when everybody was occupied trying to find a shelter and to survive.

As Jakanis arrived at the sea, she looked at the horizon, admiring the dimmed water, the waves breaking violently onto the shore. She was gazing at the sea birds, the gulls, the skimmers, the prions, the albatrosses and the entire planet’s birds, gathered here, to celebrate the end of the Great Empires. Suddenly, Jakanis noticed that the birds were not skimming the sea, but were flying upwards, towards the sun, which was covered by black clouds. And then, right there, in the middle of the sky, Jakanis understood. She realized that everything was a mistake, that her world was nothing she was taught. Everything was a big ugly lie. There was no God, no Devil, and no harmony in the world. She could see the big, monstrous and terrifying alien ships, flying above the city, shooting fire and trying to destroy it.

The birds were nothing but big space ‘vessels’ brought on Earth by who-knows-which demonic power, willing to destroy the beautiful and peaceful life. Tears appeared in the corners of Jakanis’ beautiful black eyes, such loved and admired in the past times, when every girl envied her for her beauty, and every boy wanted to steal a kiss from her.

But now Jakanis was old, had grandchildren, was a mature woman and knew the truth. And there is nothing more harmful than the nude truth. She wanted to scream, to rip the silence that was slowly settling down in her mind and she understood that she could never be that joyful person again. And why? Because her civilization was being destroyed and nobody could stop that. Everything she knew and liked was gone with the wind. Everybody she ever loved was dead now and she was standing in the middle of the devastation, being forced to face her fears and the cruel intentions of the alien invaders and to die. She was prone to die, she knew that, but she did not understand why she had to be the last one to perish. She wanted to be together with her man, she was afraid of being alone. But her husband was dead. Everything was dead and gone.

Jakanis looked at the placid sea and started moving, knowing what she had to do. She went towards the sea, feeling the cold water as she was approaching and the tough sand under her feet. The waves were breaking on her white, long dress, but she didn’t care that she was wet. She found the peace in the dark troubled sea and as she was slowly sinking a wonderful smile lightened her face, marked by the old age. She was proud to die by her own hand and not at the mercy of some terrifying creatures.

**Ivy Thibault** · 08 Jan 2013, 16:44

Deci în primul rând, engleza ta e superbă .
În al doilea rând, toata povestea aceasta e foarte India-ish. M-am simţit ca şi cum tocmai ţi-ai aranjat toate sentimentele pe foaie şi mi le-ai dat mie să le citesc.

Şi, în al treilea rând, ascultam Two Steps From Hell când am început să citesc, şi crede-mă se potriveşte perfect .

**Guillaume J. Devereux** · 08 Jan 2013, 16:49

^Thank you 3 wow, si ce melodie geniala 3

**Ema Snow** · 12 Jan 2013, 20:26

No', stai o secunda! Cum de ai scapat fara vreun comentariu de-al meu? Nu mi-o lua in nume de rau, dar mi-esti tare simpatica >< Asa ca scuza-mi, te rog, intarzierea... si lungimea ^_^

Acum. Asa cum a precizat si Nina inaintea mea, engleza ta este incredibila. Si imi place ca te-ai lipsit (acum nu stiu daca si intentionat sau mai repede din reflex) de tendintele americane. Mai pe romaneste, daca te apuci sa citesti cu voce tare, suna foarte british (ok, am ratat total propozitia asta ). Ai ales termenii care au un anumit impact, bine calculat, asupra cititorului. Cum sa zic eu ca sa fie mai clar... Una e sa zici remarkable si alta e outstanding. E vorba de diferentele alea care lipsesc in limba romana.
Lasand la o parte cuvintele si felul in care le-ai imbinat (cursul lor e foarte natural si chiar mi-a facut placere sa citesc), am fost placut surprinsa sa vad un 'pod' (ca sa zic asa) intre doua lumi. Cand am inceput sa citesc, iti spun sincer ca ma asteptam la un cadru vechi (undeva pe la limita romanilor, a vikingilor, ceva pe acolo). Modul in care s-a realizat trecerea de la lumea asta 'traditionala' la cea terifianta si extraterestra a fost lucrat cu destul de mult tact. Subtil, cumva gradat.
E adevarat ca nu ne sunt prezentate prea multe actiuni ale lui Jakanis, insa din gandurile pe care i le-ai expus, sentimentele ei astfel, si chiar si gestul de la final, m-au facut sa o apreciez ca si caracter fara doar si poate. In ochii mei apare ca o femeie simpla, cu amintiri imbibate in frumusete tanara, dar cu niste trairi interioare de proportii, prezentate intr-un calm aparent. Sau gestul final. Asta m-a impresionat. A inteles ce s-a intamplat, a fost realista in privinta sanselor pe care le are si si-a incheiat singura povestea. Ei, tocmai 'incheierea' asta mi se pare interesanta. Mi se pare a fi un mod calm de a se ridica la revolta.
Si o ultima chestie. E cam singurul text pe care l-am citit de vreo cinci luni incoace si a reusit sa-mi trezeasca senzatia aceea incredibila de vechi si nou. Nu stiu cum sa-ti explic in cuvinte... Ti s-a intamplat vreodata sa citesti o carte si sa fii complet prinsa in poveste, iar cand o inchizi sa-ti dai seama ca tu traiesti intr-un loc ce aproape ca nu are tangente cu ce ai descoperit in carte? Si te reapuci sa citesti pasaje preferate ca sa te agati de senzatia aia placuta. Nu stiu, cam asa m-am simtit eu cand am citit ce ai scris. Asa ca am recitit. Chiar am citit-o cu voce tare (pe un accent britanic fals si cu asa-zisa drama) pana a venit tata in camera, s-a uitat la mine si a ridicat o spranceana, iar eu eram un fel de 'carry on, peasant.
Mi-a placut ><

**Freyja Maegan Guðríðr** · (This post was last modified: 13 Jan 2013, 14:02 by Freyja Maegan Guðríðr.)

Wohowhow, ce comentariu lung

First of all, thank you engleza mea e uneori putin cam dubioasa, insa de data asta a iesit bine, desi spre sfarsit se facuse miezul noptii XD

Quote:. Si imi place ca te-ai lipsit (acum nu stiu daca si intentionat sau mai repede din reflex) de tendintele americane. Mai pe romaneste, daca te apuci sa citesti cu voce tare, suna foarte british
asta pentru ca citesc carti in engleza, si am ajuta sa gandesc mai mult in engleza britanica I mean, nu stiu e probabil si din reflex si din cauza antipatiei pentru americani (but that's another story)

Quote:Modul in care s-a realizat trecerea de la lumea asta 'traditionala' la cea terifianta si extraterestra a fost lucrat cu destul de mult tact. Subtil, cumva gradat.
Umm, nu prea am tinut cont de asta doar am scris ce mi-a venit. Gen asta

But thank you again 3
my essay for school (wrote months ago o.o)

Me and the dragon can chase all the pain away

The light was coming from the wound in his chest, where my sword was piercing his flesh. He was fainted, but he was there. I had no idea of what to do next, and I was scared to death. I knew that I had made something wrong, something very wrong, because I was not supposed to kill the dragon. No, I should have just hurt him, but never take his life. I knew that it was not dead yet, but any moment which nothing was done was passing too fast *, it could die the very next minute. I bit my lips anxiously, and I tried to make a plan. If that dragon had died in front of me, by the bezel of my sword, I would have been killed too.

My mission there was to capture the creature, so that the inhabitants of Asgard could bid an oblation to their gods. I wasn’t from their tribe, so it was not my duty to do this, and even if it would have been, there are some rituals and ceremonies for this kind of thing. I raised my eyes to the sky, praying to my God to help me in this utterly situation. Altough I was the bravest warrior of my people, to do something that others don’t want you to is not something recommended when you price your life.

Asgardians were not forgiving people, they were cruel, tough and villain. They didn’t stand when somebody tresspassed their property, or annoyed them in any possible way. I knew my death was closer than ever. I could even fight thousands of soldiers, I could even fight in a war, but not confront the asgardians. No, they had no mercy. Not even the gods could help me.

But whenever I would raise my prayers to the gods, they would always mock at me. I saw the dragon slowly dying, dark red blood dripping from it's mouth, the light pulsating, as if his heart was made of light. I felt a strange feeling of compassion and regret for him, although it was me the one which was taking his life from his powerful body.

“Take his heart, my child” I heard o voice behind me.

As I turned around to see the speaker’s face, I was taken aback. The owner of the voice was the old man of the asgardians. He was devoted to the leader, he would tell him everything somebody had done wrong.I looked in horror at him, feeling how my life was leaving my body slowly. The blood was running furiously in my veins, as if it got outraged, and I knew that moment that he was the one who was going to die.

“For what?To accuse me of killing him?”I asked, as I approached the dragon to take back my sword.

“No, my child. I won’t appeal you of anything, because you did not do something wrong. It wasn’t you fault , you have done what you were told to do. You should trust yourself farther more”, replied him, with a strange, serene smile on his wrinkled face.

“Are you joking, or something?I am tired, and this dragon is dying, the asgardians will kill me. Please don’t play with fire, I’m not in the mood” I told him, frowning. He was too strange. That situation was weird and stupid.

“I am too old to make jokes, right?”

He said no more, and neither did I. I knew he was cunning, and tried to fool me, and I didn’t want to let him. I priced my life more than others, because of that beautiful, young girl who fooled me with her attractive smile.

“Take his heart, I said. Do it now, you don’t have any other chance.”

“But why should I listen to you?” I asked, wondering about his strange behaviour.

“Because I’m older, and because this would help you” replied him, rather impatient.

Then, as if enchanted, I approached the creature, raking my sword in his wound, until I made a huge cut in his body. And then I saw it, like a precious jewel, red, shining, and still alive. I hesitated, but finally I touched it, feeling its soft surface, covered by thick blood. The blood of the dragon.

“And now?”I asked the old man, who suddenly became my adviser.

“And now, you little fool, run and leave the place. Save your life and take the heart to your woman. Elope together” he told me, with a crafty smile imbued on his lips.

He was right. But should I trust him? A little, strange voice in my head agreed, but others did not. I knew I didn’t have anything else to do, so I listened to him, and, without looking back. It was, as he said, my chance.

The heart of the dragon, with its fascinating blood which smooched my hands, my chest, my pockets, and all of my absconding life, have beaten for me, have been my backing for me and my wife. The blood of the dragon.

PS: nu luati in considerare Asgard. Nu aveam idee pentru un loc, si l-am ales pe asta.
Si scuzati prostia din capul meu, era tarziu si aveam nevoie rapida de tema
*suna dubios, dar nu-mi vine altceva X_X
calling the dragon 'him' means that he's a very important creature for their world.

**Colin Hawkeye Rovson** · 12 Jan 2013, 21:30

In legatura cu chestia cu ce vroia sa zica autorul si ceea ce crede profesorul ca vroia sa zica autorul Shhh! Da bine =)) Mintea mea e momentan in formatul pentru BAC

'Right, moving on. It's Forever a sacrifice all over again. In sensul bun. O atmosfera plina de tensiune prezentata intr-o scena calma. Mi se pare intrigant ca ai inceput actiunea dupa lovitura. Ti-ai asigurat focalizarea pe sentimente. Destul de simplu prezentate, iar asta prinde foarte repede.
Desigur, ma distreaza ca abordezi teme si cadre care pe mine ma dau pe spate (fac parte din preferatele mele). Din primul paragraf am zarit cuvinte care sa-mi aprinda beculetele (sword, wound, dragon). Si nu, nu sunt nebuna (cred) si nici nu am o minte cu inclinatii spre distrugere (cred din nou).
Iarasi, ca si There Was No God, No Devil, No Harmony, si asta e un text bogat vizual -desi am uitat sa precizez in primul comentariu >.> Mai bine conturat plastic. Sau cel putin asa mi se pare mie.
Finalul as putea spune ca e putin cam abrupt, insa, daca stau sa ma gandesc, nu cred ca mergea mai bine altfel. Are mai mult efect dramatizant asa, ca sa nu mai spun ca iti ofera posibilitatea de final deschis.
Frumos

**Ivy Thibault** · 12 Jan 2013, 22:13

Ok, deci şi această mică povestioară e frumoasă. Îmi place că le faci Science Fiction, fiindcă eu personal sunt atrasă de orice face parte din lumea imaginaţiei. Şi eu, ca şi Ema, am anticipat că-mi va plăcea după cuvintele "dragon" şi "sword" (probabil de la Merlin ni se trage ). Mie una mi-a plăcut mai mult primul, mi s-a părut mai profund şi bine conturat, însă şi acesta ţi-a ieşit bine, my dear ><.

Ei, şi aici am găsit nişte chestii care mie mi se par greşeli :-s. Nu mă bateţi dacă nu sunteţi de acord :-s.

Freyja Maegan Guðríðr Wrote:... they were cruel, though and villain ...
Aici cred că era greşeală de tastare. Probabil vroiai să spui tough adică rezistenţi, duri, nu though...

Freyja Maegan Guðríðr Wrote:But whenever I would raise my prayers to the gods, they always mocked me.
Hmm, mi se pare că dacă ai început propoziţia la trecut simplu, ar trebui să o şi termini aşa, pentru că nu ai if, unless sau alte chestii de genul . Deci, eu cred că ar fii corect But whenever I would raise my prayers to the gods, they would always mock me.

Freyja Maegan Guðríðr Wrote:don’t play with the fire
Well, here I am pretty sure is don't play with fire ).

Freyja Maegan Guðríðr Wrote:He said no more, and neither had I
Nici aici nu sunt sigură, dar cred că ar fii trebuit să păstrezi timpul :-s. Like he said no more, and neither did I.

Freyja Maegan Guðríðr Wrote:Then, as if enchanted, I approached the creature, raking my sword in his wound, until I had made a huge cut in his body
Again, timpurile . Until I made a cut...

Freyja Maegan Guðríðr Wrote:strange voice in my head agreed, but others not
but others did not :- ???

Again, dacă eu sunt cea care greşeşte, atunci îmi cer mii de scuze ><.

**Freyja Maegan Guðríðr** · 13 Jan 2013, 14:01

Anda, wow, nu am vazut asta multumesc oricum 3 stiu ca prima e mai profunda, pentru ca e scrisa acum cateva zile, iar asta e din mai? Nu stiu, dar cum am mai spus, imi trebuia tema la engleza, asa ca am aruncat pe foaie o poveste la intamplare si naah
Oh, si mersi ca m-ai corectat >.< ar fi trebuit s-o recitesc de cand am scris-o, fiindca na, mi-am mai imbunatatit de atunci engleza

**Freyja Maegan Guðríðr** · 25 Jan 2013, 20:06

She Might Have Died

She might have died
No one was there,
To hold her arms,
To caress her.
She might have died.

She was alone,
She wasn’t loved.
She was glad
To leave the world.
She might have died.

No one was there
To save her soul
To rescue her
To hold her arms,
She might have died.

She was young,
She was reckless,
But one day,
Death took her away.
She might have died.

**Astrid Eir Osmund** · 28 Jan 2013, 14:28

Din cate inteleg she actually did die Anyway, imi place mult cum ai scris aceasta poezioara. N-am acum timp sa citesc tot, dar din cate stiu esti o scriitoare destul de buna.

@Ivy, ai corectat majoritatea greselilor, dar la cea cu But whenever I would raise my prayers to the gods, they always mocked me n-ai avut dreptate pentru ca nu se foloseste de doua ori would in aceeasi propozitie. Cred ca ar fi sunat mai corect But whenever I raised my prayers to the gods, they would always mock me.

Darkmark RPG Forum / Coltul Creativ / Writers' Hangout 1 2 3 4 5 … 16 Next » //  / Remember the world that you lost

Darkmark RPG Forum / Coltul Creativ / Writers' Hangout
1 2 3 4 5 … 16 Next »
/ Remember the world that you lost